Key to Happiness

 On multiple occasions everyday we think that we are not meant to be in the situation and should run away from it. After some time a different personality kicks in which keeps insisting that running away is cowardly and pushes us to be in the unhappy state, forcing us to smile even in the worst of the situations. I am not too sure today whether staying in the same situation or getting out of it, which one would qualify as cowardice. Most of us live unhappy throughout our lives not able to do what we wish to do because the need of making others happy is so high that we compromise our own happiness in the process. I'm no exception. I have been trying to be the person who is accepted by everyone and loved by everyone though at the back of the mind I know I don't want to be that person. I tell everyone I come across that we should live for ourselves but preach and practice are very different at times difficult to follow.

I try to write down everything to reiterate what is that I desire and I want it to be etched across my heart. We have been brought up in such a society where your success and hard work is attributed to someone else's sacrifice. Do I have any  contribution to reach where I am. Or all credits to someone somewhere in this world for every single one of your achievements. Is it fair? It is like receiving an Oscar and telling the world who all you are thankful to, not a single person ever said I'm here because of my talent and hard-work. These questions keep cropping up in my mind often. Though I know it is unfair to be on the receiving end, I still am there without trying to get out of that space. Is this  procrastination or the fear of loss building up in my core. I don't know why validation is so important to me, must be to alot of us. And the people we look for validation are the same people who get the unequivocal right to hurt us. I feel it is my incapability that I'm unable to protest this kind of behaviour. I'm wired to feel it is my mistake that they are unhappy and they are right to feel this way because I don't have to the right to be happy.

Do I actually have no right to be happy? No, that is being selfish and we are told since childhood that being selfish is a sin. So eventually doing something for yourself to be happy is to be selfish. You are now fighting with your inner self justifying this situation. The mental conditioning in our families since childhood makes me think like this. In the past couple days I have suddenly come to terms that my happiness is important and it is my first priority. I try to be more open to things around me which make me happy. Trying very hard to do this as this was not me for the past many years. But I keep reiterating the fact that I have the right to be happy and I  shouldn't feel sorry to feel good. 

I don't belong to this generation "GenZ", I meet a lot of them. Many would say a lot about them and at times I also find very hard to connect with them (don't understand their lingo for sure). But what I know about these kids is that they are very sorted. They know how to be happy and move away from things which do not make them happy. Our generation tries finding fault in their behavior because we couldn't be like them when we were their age. But honestly there is no perfect time to start and you can start just today. Learn to be happy because happiness comes in small packets in the midst of this vast ocean called life.

Let Go

Let go are two words which sound easy but difficult to do, but when we do it there is no better feeling. 

When I had a bad breakup I was devastated to the extent that I blamed the person for everything wrong which happened in my life. Even when I got married & my marriage did not work I blamed him for it. Maybe no fault of his but the anger & the hatred inside of me took over me. I was not thinking clearly, could not figure out the reason. Even after a very long time post the breakup I felt completely overpowered by the thought of that guy. Maybe I did not have closure. He kept trying to talk to me  and meet me and I could not even dream of talking or meeting this guy. Nothing or no one was able to convince me that whatever happened or was happening had nothing to do with him. One day I decided to let go and met him. I felt light in the inside, I realised that I am much better off without him. I was miles away from him and he did not affect me at all. He was a mistake. We are humans, we make mistakes. You make a mistake learn from it & move on. Till we are able to move on we create a complex cocktail of emotions which makes us unhappy. The day after I met him he did not occupy any mind space, he was the past & could not affect my present or my future any further. Letting go made me feel at peace.

There are many such people in my life who were important at one point in life and today they are just a faint memory. The only thing which helped me was to let them go. I just hold the good memories & everything else is buried somewhere deep. I haven’t forgotten anything, it just doesn’t affect me today like it used to. Forgetting is not possible and not ideal because we make the same mistakes again & no sane person would like to repeat their mistakes. 

The one other thing I want to let go is fear. The fear of being judged for being happy, fear of losing control, fear of not being missed. It is only fear which keeps us tied up to ask for our happiness. I want to be happy irrespective of what others might think. I want to lose control of things around me to be free. I want to face that its ok when someone stops missing you because things have changed. Freedom from fear.

Life is an art which has to be learnt and practised to be happy and free. Letting go is just the part of the process.

Emptiness

 There was an eerie silence when he entered the room. Everything was exactly the same last time he saw two years back, only that there was no one to open the door for him. His eyes were wandering in the room & he saw Piya’s picture smiling at him and he felt like the last two years never happened.

He slipped into the past. He could hear her sobbing lightly at the kitchen counter. One part of him wanted to stay back, hold her & tell her that all would be fine and teh other half told him that he could not bear being around her anymore. The past 10 years had all been good but somewhere they had drifted apart. No one could have been blamed for what had happened it was all them. They were busy becoming successful, making money, going on foreign trips enjoying lavish parties. There was so much adrenaline in the air that they could not see that their happiness was waning away. They forgot enjoyment and happiness were not the same. They were two people living under the same roof who had forgotten to be partners. They forgot the vows of sticking together through think and thin. They had given so many wounds to each other that the world could see the scars through their eyes. They could not hide the pain of the scars. Mohit had to leave because the only way to heal was to stay away, no one could have repaired them at this point. There eyes had so much pain, their love for each other had become painful. They forgot that love was about giving. Silence had crept in between them slowly. The great wall was built between them which could not be crossed by either of them. They had been staring at each other from the opposite ends of the bridge for long but the vision was becoming unclear. Parting ways seemed to be the only solution.

He walked out of the house. He wanted to heal and he buried himself in work. He did not know if he was healing or he had just put all of it in a small box under lock & key & threw the keys in the ocean. A man who had his whole life on social media now barely spoke to anyone. He had closed himself and the past two years he slowly had only faint thoughts about her. He could hardly remember if he was married and spent ten years of his life with this woman. She had become a faint memory, a blurry one.

Sometime last week he woke up in the morning and he felt light as if a burden was lifted from his chest. He felt the sun shining on his cheeks and when he opened his eyes he could see Piya smiling at him. He immediately closed his eyes again & when he opened them again she was nowhere. His heart was racing and he picked up his phone & made a call to her. Her phone was switched off. He kept calling her throughout the day, but could not get through. He was getting restless & anxious, he had to fly back to see her. He could not get anything till the next day. On the way back he faced sudden pangs of happiness and worry.

When he reached the guard was surprised to see him. Nobody knew where he was and could not reach him when Piya had met with an accident a few days after he left. She was lying on the bed under a comma all this while. She waited for him to come back. The woman he loved the most was no more. She was gone. He could not kiss her goodbye.

He lied on the floor motionless looking at the ceiling and he could feel emptiness.

The Suitable Girl

I'm inspired by the title of the book "A suitable boy" but the contents are not at all related. 

From my experience I derived a definition of the suitable girl - the girl you can take home to meet your Mom. On multiple occasions I have heard 'she is not "marriage material", can't take her home' and my instant reaction is -Are we still in the 70s? We are in 2022 and our thoughts are straight from the times when women were home bound or in a few professions. Surprisingly the same family has separate rules for their daughters. 

When I talk about this concept of marriage material, there is a huge contribution from our film and TV industry defining the ideal Bahu or Wife. The smart, beautiful and modern girls are always shown in a negative character. The ideal Bahu is chosen by the family against the man's wishes (he leaves his hot girlfriend in the process), the young bride is always clad in a saree and however she is her husband accepts her at the end (I just had a small laugh imagining it all 😂). Well, I wear western clothes, go out for parties, have a good job, so that makes me a non-ideal life partner or actually the vamp. The same man who could be my boyfriend could not introduce me to his family because I'm too modern for his family. Two questions comes to my mind immediately - didn't you know your family before meeting me, why this sudden realisation today and why did you think that I would be ok with all this. Guys! parents don't always know the best.

I honestly don't blame only men for all this, women are equally responsible for all this. I work hard for years to earn a degree, get a good job, earn good money and one day I see one guy coming to me showing me dreams of a rosy future and I let go of my self esteem. Men have the right to a male ego and I don't even have the right to have self esteem, wah re wah duniya. Women are conditioned such that they protest when others are facing these problems but don't even see the problem with themselves. This instance reminds of a friend of mine who was in an abusive relationship and refused to get out of it for sometime and kept saying that "I am sure I can change him, he will become a good person, I will just have to put a little more effort, a little more patience." I knew none of it was true, she cannot change anyone if they don't wish to change, no matter how much patience she would have shown the end results would have been the same. To love someone doesn't mean that you cannot have your own identity. You have the right to be yourself and have your own space. Live your life on your own terms girl. 😉

To all the families out there if your daughter deserves an adjusting family or can stay away from her in law, why can't your daughter-in-law choose the same. She is also someone's daughter, she didn't have to wear a saree at her home, she didn't have to cook for the family, her father treats her as a princess. Aunty- You must have done a lot when you were a new bride and your MIL was not cool with you enjoying your life but to be true you can be the cool saas and enjoy with her instead. Teach your boy he doesn't have to be a Mumma's boy or a hen pecked husband, he can love you both and manage not to be sandwiched by just being a little smarter. 😎 And please remember that your Bahu is not a baby producing machine, you really don't need to worry that hard. Miyan Biwi are adults, they will definitely plan when they are ready. You becoming Dadi is not that important, trust me. They will just leave the kids with you and go on a vacation.

Women love to enjoy their lives just like men do, they also love to party, go out with friends, spend some me time and I can go on with an endless list. Find out what you want and then only you can find the "better half".  The girl in your office is also just another girl, she might be dominating and assertive but that is all which makes her so attractive. Try telling the world what you want might work for you.

With love

From all "the unsuitable girls"😘

A Girl born in India

 For starters this write up is not a take on feminism. I don’t like to call myself a feminist but rather an equal opportunity seeker.

Born in a middle-class family in the mid 80’s I was conditioned to become a teacher in my formative years. I used to love to play ‘Teacher-Teacher’ because the only profession I could see women in, reason being very simple- this job is not hectic, and you will be free by the afternoon to take care of your family. Isn’t the sentence wrong in every way possible, firstly being a teacher is not at all easy and I respect every teacher whoever had to deal with me & many more like me, secondly taking care of the family is not easy either, that is a full-time job irrespective of where you are, who you are; you are never free. As I grew up, I wanted to be a doctor, again for all the wrong reasons- one being saving human lives is important and this is the only job which could earn you respect. It is one of the most respected professions in the world today but choosing a profession just based on social status, is it worth it?

I wanted to become a journalist and my mother made a statement I cannot forget till date- who will marry you? Really is that what it boils down to. I am an engineer +MBA worked in world renowned companies, holding important positions. But all this in vain because it took me a long time to find a groom and post that the marriage ended up in an ugly divorce. And currently I am single which seems to not fit the societal norms & everyone I come across keeps telling me “You should settle down.” I have an objection to the terminology “Settle Down”. I am not unsettled, I fend for myself, I go out when I want, I read when I want, I buy what I want. By settling down do you mean to take away these small bursts of happiness from my life. I tried doing that, didn’t work that well.

By the above I do not profess to not get married or fall in love. You should do that, make mistakes, learn from them & move on. Learn to live to your will, live with a person who respects you & your work & not the one who says he loves you. Love disappears but respect & friendship and companionship stays. Another reason you should not get married is to have kids, if you really want to be parent adopt a child. Society wants you to get married, have kids and get stuck forever. Famous quotes “If not for yourself, think about your child how will he grow up without a father”. I not being married to the father of the child does not make him less of a father, does not take away his rights & does not absolve him of his duties. We are humans & we have the right to make mistakes, but those mistakes should not become a lifetime of suffering. Took me some time to get out of the shell but I dated after the divorce. I judged every person I have even spoken to because of that one bad experience. I learned a lot during this phase, and this helped me clear my head about my ask. I also made a few friends in the process. I don’t regret any of it. I am happy that I have grown up as a person, even if it is little. Still more to go.

I don’t want to get any special treatments at work for being a woman, I only expect you to give me the same respect & recognise me for my efforts. I do not want you to open the car door for me but accept what I wear. Please do not tell me how I should talk or what I should say, I know what I am doing. Please don’t tell me to get married or have babies, I know what I want. Please don’t think that I went out for that coffee because I am romantically inclined, I just like you, if you want to know what I want, ask me, I will tell you.

 

Summer of '16

Often we meet people in life who make us happy & sad both, who are somewhat like us and the rest we try to adjust and mould. But only once we come across a person in life who wish to be our forever, for we know that this is the best that can happen to us, for every word you ever imagined, wished or seems to come true. Happened to me, feels lucky. But sometimes you cannot be someone’s forever. I don’t know what I was to you, wonder whether I was some time or little while or just nothing at all to you. You were my summer & will always be my summer, the bright & shiny summer.

Some things are just not meant to be and I just wish every day that this should have been the only thing which should have been meant to be. Why are you just my summer and not my forever? Sometimes I wish to go back in time & know you again because I will get another 40 days to cherish. Those 40 days were the best I could ever have and will ever have for I know I was lucky to have you. I just wish you feel the same or maybe some of it for me, I really wish you find your forever because I know she will be the luckiest girl I would ever know for she got my summer to be her forever. I am already jealous of her.

I want you to know it all but will never be able to tell you or maybe someday, somewhere if I meet you again when we would have grown I will tell you that still you are my summer. Now and then when I think about you a tear rolls down my cheek or maybe I just run to the bathroom to cry to make myself feel better but nothing works. I am waiting for you to be my smile and then maybe one day I will meet you on a sunny morning to tell you all. Like you said you didn’t know if you could cross the bridge I too don’t know if I could do it.

I just wish another fifty first dates because you will always be my ‘summer’.

Yours,

Nothing at all

Note: This was written a long back but deserved a publish so doing it now...