Let there be Peace

There are times when you knew this is it, this was everything you wanted and the next moment you had to let it go. You had to let it go because even when it was the best for you, it was still not for you. Every moment from there on becomes an internal fight within yourself to know if it was what you thought or you just missed on something. It is always easier if it was the second one because the answers are there but what when it is the first one. The feeling is strange and you would probably think through your life about it.

I realised the easy way out is to find a fault & blame someone because that is easier, it is an answer. When there are no answers it just is difficult, very difficult. Someone has beautifully written "you can always not be somebody's everything, you are sometimes just one summer, sometimes just a day & when they are gone you just wish you are their 'Remember when' & 'What if' or just 'I wish'.... but you have let go". I wish life can be simple and we could blame someone for everything.

Let go... for there would be peace!

All she wishes...

There are times when your heart beats fast, sometimes it feels good and the other times it feels scary. That day it happened again and she did not know whether it was good or bad. Was she scared or was it just anxiety hitting her like it hits everyone on their D-day. She tried to pace down her thinking, smiled at the guests, clicked pictures with people around and did all that she was expected to do. She was getting married and then all would have changed- a new house, new people actually everything new. Her mom, aunts & friends all said everyone felt like she did that day, but she didn't feel good.

She had met him two months back and their marriage was fixed. She was happy that she wouldn't have had to go through those profiles with baseless information about a person. She was happy that all the people who were more concerned about her marriage than their own kids' life will have to find a new scapegoat. Yes, she was happy about these reasons. The day had arrived and she was getting married to this man and all the happiness tend to fade away. Things did take place as planned with perfection, the wedding was the talk of the town. What mattered was the wedding to all and not the marriage, and she somehow felt that all had fallen apart. She ignored it all & went ahead to start her new life.

Unfortunately the heart was not wrong, the brain was stupid, the brain forced her to think all was OK when her heart knew that nothing was right. Today she thinks why she didn't listen to her heart, why she didn't say a no that day, she was afraid like anyone else and wanted to have faith, this was her only fault. She thought listening to others helps but what she forgot what she has to face is her life her ordeal and it will never be the same like someone else. Today she just wishes if she could just go back in time and can say a "no".

Just that Day

Waking up to the sound of rain pouring outside, the window had mist on it. It had been raining for the last couple of days now, but my city doesn't stop neither can I. Like every morning I woke up, my body refused listening to me like every single day. Religiously I drink water, go to the kitchen start making tea, go to the main door pick up the newspaper and arrange to sit drink the tea & read the newspaper. Nothing changes it is the state of equilibrium or the status quo.

Despite all this some mornings, like this one, feel different. I don't know why it is different but it is not me. I am not happy, I am anxious, this is not the first time I feel like this,  the feeling is not new but the answers are not known when I question why. What happened in the sleep, those hours were for my brain to relax and I don't know what it was thinking. I fail to understand that it can give me feelings I don't want but cannot share the reason why I'm feeling so. The brain is the root of all problems and then the poor heart is blamed to take all stupid decisions. The heart cannot even think and the brain creates a pressure on the heart making it feel heavy and then blame the poor thing. These are the times I think it is better to be brainless, I don't know if that also helps.

The other thing about these days are the quiet time you want with yourself and I start smiling to myself and when I try to think why I smiled the reason just gets lost in the cloud of thoughts and then I try too hard I think. The smile is lost, its a conflict you have with yourself. The conflict is so strong that whatever you do seems wrong however right it might be.

Today is just one of those days...