Let Go

Let go are two words which sound easy but difficult to do, but when we do it there is no better feeling. 

When I had a bad breakup I was devastated to the extent that I blamed the person for everything wrong which happened in my life. Even when I got married & my marriage did not work I blamed him for it. Maybe no fault of his but the anger & the hatred inside of me took over me. I was not thinking clearly, could not figure out the reason. Even after a very long time post the breakup I felt completely overpowered by the thought of that guy. Maybe I did not have closure. He kept trying to talk to me  and meet me and I could not even dream of talking or meeting this guy. Nothing or no one was able to convince me that whatever happened or was happening had nothing to do with him. One day I decided to let go and met him. I felt light in the inside, I realised that I am much better off without him. I was miles away from him and he did not affect me at all. He was a mistake. We are humans, we make mistakes. You make a mistake learn from it & move on. Till we are able to move on we create a complex cocktail of emotions which makes us unhappy. The day after I met him he did not occupy any mind space, he was the past & could not affect my present or my future any further. Letting go made me feel at peace.

There are many such people in my life who were important at one point in life and today they are just a faint memory. The only thing which helped me was to let them go. I just hold the good memories & everything else is buried somewhere deep. I haven’t forgotten anything, it just doesn’t affect me today like it used to. Forgetting is not possible and not ideal because we make the same mistakes again & no sane person would like to repeat their mistakes. 

The one other thing I want to let go is fear. The fear of being judged for being happy, fear of losing control, fear of not being missed. It is only fear which keeps us tied up to ask for our happiness. I want to be happy irrespective of what others might think. I want to lose control of things around me to be free. I want to face that its ok when someone stops missing you because things have changed. Freedom from fear.

Life is an art which has to be learnt and practised to be happy and free. Letting go is just the part of the process.

Emptiness

 There was an eerie silence when he entered the room. Everything was exactly the same last time he saw two years back, only that there was no one to open the door for him. His eyes were wandering in the room & he saw Piya’s picture smiling at him and he felt like the last two years never happened.

He slipped into the past. He could hear her sobbing lightly at the kitchen counter. One part of him wanted to stay back, hold her & tell her that all would be fine and teh other half told him that he could not bear being around her anymore. The past 10 years had all been good but somewhere they had drifted apart. No one could have been blamed for what had happened it was all them. They were busy becoming successful, making money, going on foreign trips enjoying lavish parties. There was so much adrenaline in the air that they could not see that their happiness was waning away. They forgot enjoyment and happiness were not the same. They were two people living under the same roof who had forgotten to be partners. They forgot the vows of sticking together through think and thin. They had given so many wounds to each other that the world could see the scars through their eyes. They could not hide the pain of the scars. Mohit had to leave because the only way to heal was to stay away, no one could have repaired them at this point. There eyes had so much pain, their love for each other had become painful. They forgot that love was about giving. Silence had crept in between them slowly. The great wall was built between them which could not be crossed by either of them. They had been staring at each other from the opposite ends of the bridge for long but the vision was becoming unclear. Parting ways seemed to be the only solution.

He walked out of the house. He wanted to heal and he buried himself in work. He did not know if he was healing or he had just put all of it in a small box under lock & key & threw the keys in the ocean. A man who had his whole life on social media now barely spoke to anyone. He had closed himself and the past two years he slowly had only faint thoughts about her. He could hardly remember if he was married and spent ten years of his life with this woman. She had become a faint memory, a blurry one.

Sometime last week he woke up in the morning and he felt light as if a burden was lifted from his chest. He felt the sun shining on his cheeks and when he opened his eyes he could see Piya smiling at him. He immediately closed his eyes again & when he opened them again she was nowhere. His heart was racing and he picked up his phone & made a call to her. Her phone was switched off. He kept calling her throughout the day, but could not get through. He was getting restless & anxious, he had to fly back to see her. He could not get anything till the next day. On the way back he faced sudden pangs of happiness and worry.

When he reached the guard was surprised to see him. Nobody knew where he was and could not reach him when Piya had met with an accident a few days after he left. She was lying on the bed under a comma all this while. She waited for him to come back. The woman he loved the most was no more. She was gone. He could not kiss her goodbye.

He lied on the floor motionless looking at the ceiling and he could feel emptiness.