The Suitable Girl

I'm inspired by the title of the book "A suitable boy" but the contents are not at all related. 

From my experience I derived a definition of the suitable girl - the girl you can take home to meet your Mom. On multiple occasions I have heard 'she is not "marriage material", can't take her home' and my instant reaction is -Are we still in the 70s? We are in 2022 and our thoughts are straight from the times when women were home bound or in a few professions. Surprisingly the same family has separate rules for their daughters. 

When I talk about this concept of marriage material, there is a huge contribution from our film and TV industry defining the ideal Bahu or Wife. The smart, beautiful and modern girls are always shown in a negative character. The ideal Bahu is chosen by the family against the man's wishes (he leaves his hot girlfriend in the process), the young bride is always clad in a saree and however she is her husband accepts her at the end (I just had a small laugh imagining it all 😂). Well, I wear western clothes, go out for parties, have a good job, so that makes me a non-ideal life partner or actually the vamp. The same man who could be my boyfriend could not introduce me to his family because I'm too modern for his family. Two questions comes to my mind immediately - didn't you know your family before meeting me, why this sudden realisation today and why did you think that I would be ok with all this. Guys! parents don't always know the best.

I honestly don't blame only men for all this, women are equally responsible for all this. I work hard for years to earn a degree, get a good job, earn good money and one day I see one guy coming to me showing me dreams of a rosy future and I let go of my self esteem. Men have the right to a male ego and I don't even have the right to have self esteem, wah re wah duniya. Women are conditioned such that they protest when others are facing these problems but don't even see the problem with themselves. This instance reminds of a friend of mine who was in an abusive relationship and refused to get out of it for sometime and kept saying that "I am sure I can change him, he will become a good person, I will just have to put a little more effort, a little more patience." I knew none of it was true, she cannot change anyone if they don't wish to change, no matter how much patience she would have shown the end results would have been the same. To love someone doesn't mean that you cannot have your own identity. You have the right to be yourself and have your own space. Live your life on your own terms girl. 😉

To all the families out there if your daughter deserves an adjusting family or can stay away from her in law, why can't your daughter-in-law choose the same. She is also someone's daughter, she didn't have to wear a saree at her home, she didn't have to cook for the family, her father treats her as a princess. Aunty- You must have done a lot when you were a new bride and your MIL was not cool with you enjoying your life but to be true you can be the cool saas and enjoy with her instead. Teach your boy he doesn't have to be a Mumma's boy or a hen pecked husband, he can love you both and manage not to be sandwiched by just being a little smarter. 😎 And please remember that your Bahu is not a baby producing machine, you really don't need to worry that hard. Miyan Biwi are adults, they will definitely plan when they are ready. You becoming Dadi is not that important, trust me. They will just leave the kids with you and go on a vacation.

Women love to enjoy their lives just like men do, they also love to party, go out with friends, spend some me time and I can go on with an endless list. Find out what you want and then only you can find the "better half".  The girl in your office is also just another girl, she might be dominating and assertive but that is all which makes her so attractive. Try telling the world what you want might work for you.

With love

From all "the unsuitable girls"😘

A Girl born in India

 For starters this write up is not a take on feminism. I don’t like to call myself a feminist but rather an equal opportunity seeker.

Born in a middle-class family in the mid 80’s I was conditioned to become a teacher in my formative years. I used to love to play ‘Teacher-Teacher’ because the only profession I could see women in, reason being very simple- this job is not hectic, and you will be free by the afternoon to take care of your family. Isn’t the sentence wrong in every way possible, firstly being a teacher is not at all easy and I respect every teacher whoever had to deal with me & many more like me, secondly taking care of the family is not easy either, that is a full-time job irrespective of where you are, who you are; you are never free. As I grew up, I wanted to be a doctor, again for all the wrong reasons- one being saving human lives is important and this is the only job which could earn you respect. It is one of the most respected professions in the world today but choosing a profession just based on social status, is it worth it?

I wanted to become a journalist and my mother made a statement I cannot forget till date- who will marry you? Really is that what it boils down to. I am an engineer +MBA worked in world renowned companies, holding important positions. But all this in vain because it took me a long time to find a groom and post that the marriage ended up in an ugly divorce. And currently I am single which seems to not fit the societal norms & everyone I come across keeps telling me “You should settle down.” I have an objection to the terminology “Settle Down”. I am not unsettled, I fend for myself, I go out when I want, I read when I want, I buy what I want. By settling down do you mean to take away these small bursts of happiness from my life. I tried doing that, didn’t work that well.

By the above I do not profess to not get married or fall in love. You should do that, make mistakes, learn from them & move on. Learn to live to your will, live with a person who respects you & your work & not the one who says he loves you. Love disappears but respect & friendship and companionship stays. Another reason you should not get married is to have kids, if you really want to be parent adopt a child. Society wants you to get married, have kids and get stuck forever. Famous quotes “If not for yourself, think about your child how will he grow up without a father”. I not being married to the father of the child does not make him less of a father, does not take away his rights & does not absolve him of his duties. We are humans & we have the right to make mistakes, but those mistakes should not become a lifetime of suffering. Took me some time to get out of the shell but I dated after the divorce. I judged every person I have even spoken to because of that one bad experience. I learned a lot during this phase, and this helped me clear my head about my ask. I also made a few friends in the process. I don’t regret any of it. I am happy that I have grown up as a person, even if it is little. Still more to go.

I don’t want to get any special treatments at work for being a woman, I only expect you to give me the same respect & recognise me for my efforts. I do not want you to open the car door for me but accept what I wear. Please do not tell me how I should talk or what I should say, I know what I am doing. Please don’t tell me to get married or have babies, I know what I want. Please don’t think that I went out for that coffee because I am romantically inclined, I just like you, if you want to know what I want, ask me, I will tell you.