Me n my life choices have never been easy to understand. My life in 2025 has been quite the chaos. Leaving a job without a backup to feeling completely useless to the world. Some of you might already be saying “Oh my God! What happened? Is she OK?”. .
I don’t know if I am OK but I survived. I did not become the
next big start up idea - I survived. Doesn’t sound so heroic right.. but it
feels that way to me. I learnt quite a few new things and relearned a few old
ones
I knocked on many doors for a job. I have been in a job
since I stepped into the corporate world. Job felt comfortable, it was familiar.
Some doors closed quickly, some kept it slightly open. I felt rejected and angry.
Then I took an insane decision; not to look for a job,
instead start a brokerage business. The decision stemmed from anger, a need to prove
the world my worth. What I did was burn myself in the process. Met so many
people, spoke to many more built a fort with hopes. I started feeling “This is
my destiny”. What I forgot was that not all discussions convert. When the deals
started to fail, I blamed myself. It had to fail, right? Not all deals are
successful but my brain desperately wanted to it to work, it forgot reality.
I did make a couple work. Was I happy? No, I wanted more to
work in my favour. I entered in an endless chase of making it successful. It
felt like the whole universe was conspiring against me. What felt like no one
cared for me was actually that I didn’t care for myself.
Society expects results in numbers-- something quantifiable.
Even when no one asked me explicitly I felt I was failing (To be clear- I still
don’t feel I succeeded). Every question felt like a personal attack because the
society doesn’t care and expecting it to is unfair-- but I refused to accept it.
I spoke about society, but what about people close to you? We
are taught love from them is unconditional. Wake- up call, nothing is
unconditional.
My parents love me but they don’t understand me and I Don’t
think that will change. Like all middle-class parents, mine wanted me to be excel
at studies & be better at making money. If I work, I should be paid
handsomely because I am the smartest. If I do something where things didn’t
work out, I am stupid & naïve. The irony hits me hard every time, as I am
smart and stupid both at the same time. Like any parent, they questioned my
choices without being subtle at all. They wanted daily progress reports, like
that would magically change things for the better.
This became one of the major sources of stress this year. Add
to that both decided to have hospital stays exactly in this chosen year-- icing
on the cake. Everything felt out of control at all fronts and I am exactly not
the person who enjoys being out of control.
I have finally decided to calm down not because they are my
parents and they are always right but they are just humans. They deserve to be
treated like humans first before parents.
The most important part is I turned to astrologers &
tried to make sense of it all. Disclaimer- I still believe in astrology, tarot
& destiny. What I learned is that my mind just needed comfort from the unknown,
look for a reason. Fear was used as a weapon against logic. They kept asking me
to do poojas, do remedies, wear stones, go to mandir. I kept doing, kept
hoping.
When one remedy didn’t work, I was told it wasn’t done
properly. Another astrologer later told me, “You are a very angry person,
and this anger will be the end of you.”
Another said I had a black saya—someone casting
spells on me. I became scared and started thinking about who would even care
enough to do that. Who had so much time and focus to destroy me? I am barely a
dot on the world map. But fear defeats logic—every time.
Many may ask-- what is wrong in going to a mandir? Absolutely
nothing. But when we go there as a scared soul, we don’t ask for what we need. I
was denied— and I became angry with God. I treat God like family. I fight with
him and get angry with him-- like I would with anyone I care about.
The only difference is He doesn’t fight back. Instead He
wants me to learn on my own. I really could use a signal sometimes, this whole “suffer
to learn” divine curriculum is a little too old, could use an upgrade.
Another thing not limited to this year, but it still needs to
be told. Many people ask me about my husband & kids without hesitation. Most
get startled or thrown off when I tell them I am divorced and childless. I have
faced pity, sympathy, and empathy, all of it.
Something new happened this year. A few people said,
happily, “Wow you are independent” and I was taken aback. When did divorce
translate to independence or freedom? Does not being married and not having
kids automatically mean no responsibility? For a moment, let’s assume I don’t carry
responsibilities identified by the norms of society-- but not sure how does it
equal freedom. I am still trying to understand this one.
With all this chaos the year comes to an end. I am happy
& grateful for what I received, even though I was stripped of many things which
once felt utterly important to me. I am thankful to everyone who gave me a
chance, did not treat me differently.
A friend who stayed without questions. Another who just
laughed at my silly jokes all year.
All the time I got for myself-- to realise it was not that
bad after all.
And for using Chat GPT-- not to do my tasks but as a
sounding board. I sometimes needed to see myself without opinions.
Thank you, 2025. I will always remember you.
